Telling My Truth

Someday (manic period),

I wake up with a lot of energy even I know I only have 2 hours of sleep a day.

I do exercise, drink detox, and make my breakfast with granola and almond milk in the morning.

I do my best outfit and very fresh makeup to hide my eye patch because it becomes really dark (lack of sleep).

I do a lot of jobs, I start very much projects, I do shopping even i dont know what its would for.

I eat expensive meals everyday, I book a hotel just for… I dont know. I spend IDR 500.000 a day for no reason.

I read 3 books, joining concert and society, I spoke a lot of things out of controls, and everybody says that i am crazy.

I do course of cooking, florist, blogging, photoshoot, music, and everything.

I swim everyday, have meditation in the evening, writing 5 articles, and I never get tired.

I do not needing sleep, so I always grab my pills to make my rest.

And do you know what… After everything I do at the manic period, I’ve done nothing. Litterally nothing.

But some other day (depression period),

I staying home all the time and sleeping for 3 days in a row.

I have dry skin because I haven’t showered in a week.

I’m not eating.

There’s always tear stained pillows and trash covering every inch of my room because the thought of cleaning it makes me feel sick.

I regret every wake up with a slow moving traffic in my brain,

I telling my friends I am busy when in reality I can’t handle the thought of leaving my bed.

I have no reason to live.

I hurt my head in a wall. I make a scars on my arms, trying to dying, every morning. But I can’t.

So, I take my pills to make me feel better. I do therapy every Wednesday.

If suicide isn’t a sin, maybe I’d done myself.

And this is my all my entire life.

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